Life with a person who suffers from a substance use disorder (SUD) is hard. It’s hard on them, it’s hard on you, the kids, and friends. You want nothing more than for them to get well and heal from what’s happened. It’s not all that easy, though, to forget and forgive all that happened during their active use phase.
How do you make amends – and mean it – when your family member is in addiction recovery?
What Does It Mean to Make Amends in Addiction Recovery?
In the 12-Step addiction treatment program, one that we use at The Ranch at Dove Tree, steps 8 and 9 encourage those who have an SUD to make amends to those who’ve hurt them throughout their active disease. For them, it means acknowledging they hurt you, working to amend their behavior by demonstrating the changes they are making, and righting any wrongs.
Let’s flip that around, for a moment. When your loved one comes to you and wants to fix things, what should you do?
First, determine the goal for creating amends.
- It’s meant to show respect to the person they hurt.
- It is a demonstration of active change that they are going to improve on those wrongs.
- It also means committing, with authenticity, to doing better.
There is no right way to navigate this process. Please note that it’s essential to do what is best for your specific situation. As a family member, you are not required to remain in a person’s life if they’ve hurt you or if doing so harms your future. If you choose to do so, the making amends portion of recovery becomes pretty important.
Steps to Take to Forgive a Loved One in Addiction Recovery
Now that you have decided to keep this person in your life, consider the following steps to build a successful relationship with them while still protecting yourself. To forgive someone in addiction recovery, focus on these areas.
#1: Recognize It Is a Disease
This is not an “excuse” for their drug or alcohol use, but the reality of their life. Addiction, as defined by the National Institute on Drug Abuse, is a chronic, relapsing disorder. By recognizing this, you also realize the importance of educating yourself about this disease and its implications for you and those affected. Think about their disease as you would someone who has heart disease or cancer.
#2: It Is Not Personal
The next step to consider, for your own well-being, is that their decisions, statements, and acts were not a deliberate attack on you. They definitely felt like it at the time, but they are more of a symptom of addiction. This means that when they come to you to make amends, you can express to them how much they hurt you and feel comfortable doing so. At the same time, you can also recognize that this is not who they want to be and that they don’t want to hurt you.
#3: Do Not Look for Things to Go Back to Where It Was
It’s a mistake to believe a person in addiction recovery will just be normal again. They have gone through a life-changing complication in their life. It will change them, your relationship with them, and the future as a whole. How much it changes is really dependent on numerous factors, including how well you can work on rebuilding.
#4: Make Promises and Accept Them with Care
Addiction has a strong tendency to come back, and that means that a person who makes a promise to remain drug-free could face challenges in doing so. However, this is not an opportunity to give them too much leeway.
- Talk about what happened and why.
- Be very specific about what happened to you.
- Ask them what they honestly can and will do to make things better.
- Alert them that there are consequences if they do not follow through and that you cannot put yourself in that position again.
- Come to an agreement about what you can realistically do for them.
This type of frank discussion is critical to your ability to recover from your own pain. You do not have to take it lightly, nor do you need to simply forgive and forget.
Finding the Help and Support You and They Need
At The Ranch at Dove Tree, our drug treatment center in Lubbock, Texas, works with the entire family. Our family program helps people to rebuild relationships in a healthy manner, protecting both of your futures as we do.
Reach out to our admissions team today. Let’s talk about what we can do to help you both recover.
